It always hurts when the person who tells you they love you runs off with another woman...I am in such disbelief...and am so sad...

Yes...that's what it's come down to. My fears were correct...he left me for another woman bacuse he "never got a shot" with her and had always loved her....Let's reflect to how Hana and I ended.....He ended us because of the exact same thing...a girl from the past that he had cared for deeply came back into our lives and told him she still cared...POOF..there that boyfriend goes...and now my husband has done the same thing to me....I could not be any moer appalled and in pieces...this is not right

Jesus Christ..what does a girl gotta do to get a leg up in this world! Aaargh!

Are just that. They are skeletons; dead and buried, which is how they should be left. I have determined it is unwise to disturb them as well as detrimental that they be left where they lie. We all have our own...and we call them skeletons for a reason. Because only a sadistic urge would cause the willing uncovering of such deteriated reamins of the past. Maybe I can only come to this conclusion because I have had to face someone else's skeletons...or maybe it's just the pang of common sense I should have listened to. Live and learn...right?

What makes our future any different from his past? there are so many skeletons I have uncovered....and now I have already chosen to live with this? Who am I with? So confused. But I remain quiet as a mouse on the matter and try to go on with daily life.
As he sleeps so peacefully, I lie awake next to him night after night, and sleep only after he has gone to work in the morning. I make his lunches, prepare his next day's clothes, make sure he has everything he needs for work - all this in the morning- then only to come home from work to take care of the apartment and whatever else he may need. . . Is it ever too late to go back? I feel like it is. It must be..... I have given myself to this man; given my life to him to hold.. . . and day after day I begin to wonder how wise of a decision that really was. He is my love, my heart, but how can I remain this quiet woman subduing my mind into cooperation because it is so much easier than facing the truth? I don't want to lose him, but sometimes I have to wonder if I am risking losing myself to hold onto him. I feel so powerless to act. I don't want this to end up in divorce because I don't believe in divorce. But something has to change. How can I do anything when I tie my own hands behind my back? I swear I am my own worst enemy. He is the love of my life, but I refuse to be his past in the present...and as of late, it is seeming ever more so that I am just another of his stories to be. I love stories, but I wish one of mine could turn out right. I do everything perfectly and do my best no matter how sick or tired I am. I give the bast quality in my every action and duty. When will my loyalty be honored in this life. . .or am I destined to remain tortuously and dangerously unfulfilled. It would be nice if someone would ask me what I dream of and how I feel instead of me constantly silencing my hopes.
Way to go me. Cornered myself into yet another precarious situation. Wonder how this one will affect me. Aaargh...So sad.

we went to the zoo today...I had not been to the zoo since I was a little kid, so I was very excited. I have determined that my favorite animal must be giraffes because I talk about them all the time and had to be dragged away from the giraffe feeding area by Jeremy because I had apparently planned on staying at that exhibit all day.




we met a very friendly meercat today; however, and he most likely would have hopped into my purse and come home with us had he of been given the opportunity. He was quite adorable and tried so very hard to get close to me that I just had to act like a total girl and pout over the fact that I couldn't reach him to pet him.





We got to meet a hornbill who was also quite personable. He followed us around the entire Kudo enclosure and seemed quite intent on bestowing upon us a little rock that he had found. He dropped it at our feet every time we stopped, waited for us to pick it up, and when we didn't he proceeded to keep following us after picking up the rock again.





For more pictures and comments on our trip to the zoo (There are tons more), feel free to visit my myspace page and go to view pics. :)

Barack Obama stuff is everywhere...Someone wrote a blog about "cute obama stuffed toys" and I just shook my head. I'm totally up for change, I just really have negative opinions of this guy, even if he is the president. Can he sue me for blogging them? Hm, I really wonder if he could. He had so many lawyers when running for office, I don't wanna get slapped with a lawsuit just for mentioning the not-so-pleasant opinions of the man. Lame.

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Mon Jan 19 15:56:14 2009.

Your Existing Situation

Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes.


Your Stress Sources

The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Demanding and particular in her relations with her partner or those close to her. but careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes and ideas.

Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.


Your Actual Problem

Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.


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Ahh....almost two days without sleep...

We laid down at like nine and I was SO ready to fall asleep.

Apparently, this has yet to happen. Thinking about haloing a bit...but don't know if I should commit myself to keeping my eyes focused for fifteen minutes. I may not make it that long!! haha

ah..I need a good laugh today; it's been horrific since the start. If i could only disclose the details, I totally would appease your interest in the subject, have you any interest at all.

Well, I'm going to try to go to sleep...

I had something interesting to write and it disappeared, probably my brain giving me a final fuck you for the day.

Holy hell. . . .I should be sleeping, but my mind is in a whirl! Lately I am lucky to get four hours of broken sleep a night. It's hard taking care of two people, working all the time and keeping up with everything else there is to be done as it is...the lack of sleep is certainly affecting me though it may only be little by little. Because eventually that last "little by little" is going to really hit me. My mother used to say "There is no rest for the wicked." I never really got that, but I must be pretty wicked, lol. eh...perhaps I should try to get some sleep...I start work in like, six hours and apply for my second job on Monday so I need my rest, but when I finally get to I just can't close my eyes....sigh...it's exasperating

On another note, I suppose I might as well take this time and let everyone know that in the last two years I have seen alot of things, met many new people, worked some interesting jobs and best of all, married the love of my life. It's hard to believe that time has passed by so fast!! I would love updates on all of you, so don't be shy to contact me!

Well, it's my last day off this week and I have to admit, I may have been overly lazy today. But I figure one day out of the month being lazy isn't so bad. . .in fact, I am almost sure that it is quite the necessity for my well being, hah. Was totally stoked when we got x-bax live, but wouldn't ya know it, I haven't touched the thing once today. . . .shame. . . . . .
Things started a bit bumpy this year, but have been secured quite well by the help and support of family and friends. I honestly appreciate all of you for the roles you play in our lives, individually and all together as well. We are working hard, playing hard and resting hard, so I'm sure eventually things will slow down, although I can't tell you how much.
To those of you we have not seen (Kim, Abi, emilee, family..) we have not forgotten you and miss you all very much!
all our love,
The Ludwigs

what is to be when the sun sets and all that are left are waking dreams, forgotten memories...

So....I am uber excited for Saturday to get here cuz that is when Jeremy and I go to Taos (sp?) New Mexico for a few days. We can't wait to get outta here! I promise to take tons of pictures and post them when we get back :) :)

And we are toying with moving to Texas...we will have to see, but later this year we will decide after we visit San Antonio. Ohm, Abi...by the way....we are coming to visit you this year, lol. Surprise!

Alright guys, that's the newest in the new for the life of Lissa.

Talk to you soon!

Leave me not where this tattered road curves

And twists its way into never

For I fear that is where I might curl up

To remain in the wake of nothingness.

Yet do not lead into treachorous realms

Whereupon I stumble and cry out for help

When you are vanished from the day

And only night remains...

I grope for some reality

As this is all such tyrannical blasphemy

To which all my dreams fall victim to

As I watch the stars cut from their heavenly strings.

They do not crash down upon me

Yet fall like tear drops onto this lonely world

Which seems even more desolate

When painfully I realize I am all but forsaken.

I fail to envision this dream I used to dream

So much determination I placed behind futile hallucinations

Most of the hurt coming from the fact

That I can't remember what I have lost...

Dreams so long forgotten by me in my distraction

And I keep hoping to recover them from your eyes

But the things I see fade so quickly

When I blink I wonder if I will ever truly be alive..

I do not wish to die like this

With hope draining away each moment

Every breath spent never to breathe again

And yet you leave me in this space.

Or have I left myself

Because I try and I try

But I just can't find myself anymore

Often, I see you as my saving grace.

Just don't leave me at the dead end

Alone to go back to where we started

For I fear I might not be able to find my way

The same way I have before.........

~~~To Jeremy, my one and my only.~~~


When this world tries to bring out the worst in me

You come around and bring out the best

And when all the music dies in my soul

You bring new songs into my chest.

For so very long have I loved you

And never imagined waking with you by my side

And yet here you are next to me

I wonder why I never tried.

When I feel like I am suffocating

You breathe new air into me

And when the world around me takes my strength

You tell me I have more strength that I can't see.

You have no idea, but you are my world

And I would not have it any other way

I can conquer anything with you by my side

And with eagerness I greet each new day.

Stay with me forever

For I found myself in your eyes

If you leave I will be lost as well

Back on the road to my demise.

I love you with everything I am

You are the song I sing

If we can do this after so many years

Than we can do anything.....

I love you.

Lately I have been thinking about the most random things...most of them having to do with parts of my life I have not even gotten to yet..and wondering if I will ever be lucky enough to have them. All my childhood I had thought of this boy as something special whom I never got to tell it to and now I sit here ten years later wondering who he really is now that I finally call him my own.

I feel lost in a storm where I can't see and can't find him...even when he is next to me he feels so far away. It's not a great feeling and if this one slips away, I don't think I will walk away with my head held high as I have done before.


I was so strong when I met him...yet all of a sudden, I feel weak and afraid.

It's safe to say at this point, that I have never been with someone who adds so much happiness to my life. He likes to go out with my friends, makes plans to do things with me without a blink of hesitation and calls me baby, sweetie and everything else that I never really liked anyone calling me. He tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful and in his eyes I see my life as I always wished it would be. When he's next to me I'm unstoppable and invincible. This is the love I have been looking for...and it's been right in front of me for years. He's the type of guy who makes me want to share everything with him and the type of guy who makes me see the beauty in people again. Just when I thought I was too far gone to be saved...here he is. And I would not have it any other way. And I don't care what people think...he's no secret and it's no secret that he is all I see and all I want. I'm so happy :)

I love life right now. As shitty as alot of the circumstances within it are....it's wonderful. It's just crazy to think that the boy I used to know ten years ago has grown into the man I knew I would always love. I loved him as a boy, but only placed it as a "crush". Maybe it was...but this isn't. This is the feeling after missing someone for most of my life..and not even knowing exactly who it was. But when I saw him that night...I knew I had been missing him. It's like looking for the needle in the haystck and then giving up...not realizing that it wasn't even IN the haystack...it was sitting next to it, right in front of me the whole time. And Yet I never grabbed it. But this time, I grabbed it....and I'm never letting go of it. Not ever. The more I hold him, and talk to him and laugh with him...I know I finally found him..although I had found him years ago I was just too young and dumb to think about it. c'mon...I was a kid...and he makes me feel just like one again. I feel like I can take anything the world has to throw at me right now...so c'mon...BRING IT!

Within the last seventy two hours, my life has completely changed. Whether the change leads to heartbreak or happiness, I have yet to find out. And it's at this fork in the road of decisions I sit, praying it brings happiness and not heartbreak. I do my best to live a quiet life with as little drama as possible..and don't spread my personal business around like today's hottest news. I guess I just need to write, and I know the few of you who read these blogs understand where I am coming from most of the time, and this is why you read, even if you don't comment. (I don't mind it at all).

One of my older (but still quite recent blogs) stated how sick to death of men and relationships I was and all of you know I was not looking for anything with anyone..in fact, I was deliberately running away from anyone and everyone who sought more from me than friendship. We all know I am great at running...not the best at sticking around and facing what I am afraid of...but this person..he makes me want to face all of my fears and I have known him for forever...but from there where do I go? As long as I have known him I have thought the world of him. But people change, right? For better or for worse, they change. Yet it seems he is still the same wonderful, intelligent, handsome person I had my eye on but never even mentioned how I felt to. I've just been hurt so much...so many...many times...it's hard to trust a bible thumping preacher, lol....

I was perfectly fine being by myself. Perfectly fine not having a companion...and then I had to run into him. I was fine, but now I see, I was not happy. I can honestly say that if this is what happy feels like...I have probably never been happy. But with me, any time things look bright..I screw it up. I say something, do something...whatever. Even if it's an innocent mistake. I am not ready to hurt...but I have to accept that this is an outcome I have to be prepared for and understand...again.

My head is whirling with so many things going on already...but it seems like all they all disappear when he is around. I don't know how to handle this. I never did know how to handle my feelings for him...even when we barely spoke I felt something from his eyes that I have yet to see from anyone. I don't believe in luck or coincidences...so what is this? Some would call it destiny, but I don't really believe in that one either, so whatever. All I can do is sit here and wait...and see...but while I'm sitting here, I can't help but wish someone could tell me what to do. I'm happy, yes..but not quite happy with the feelings that have once again arisen for this person..not that he ever knew how I felt before. It's like a dull pain in the chest because I am torn between wanting this and running....but this time I don't want to run...does anyone get me? lol